tisdag, september 22, 2015

Stupid Jokes and Quotes AND ODD FUNNY TWEETS and gifs

Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Hanlon's Razor

Top Tip: Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

“Honey, listen closely... beauty fades, but dumb is forever!"

Judge Judy

As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.

Ever since I took geometry at school, my life has turned around 360 degrees.

Single cell organisms would beat him in an IQ test.

Generally, all generalisations are false.

I got kicked out of MENSA for being too much of a smart arse.

Deja Moo. The feeling you've heard this bull before.

We've heard that ignorance of maths is growing geometrically, whatever that means.

At the restaurant I said: "I will have the pizza cut into quarters please. There's no way I can eat eight pieces.”

Why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder? 
There's no dental records and all the DNA is the same.

They misunderestimated me.

George Bush

I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, you can't prove anything.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted.

Bingo! I love that game, but I can't remember what to say when you win.

He once told me he would write his autobiography as soon as he figured out who the main character would be.

I know that there are people who don't love their fellow man – I hate those people.

She said that all the sights in Rome were called after London cinemas.

If there's one thing hypocrites hate, it's hypocrisy.

He'd kill for the Nobel Peace prize.

I studied to be a bone specialist because the tutor said I had a head for it.

Let's have some new clichés.

Sam Goldwyn

What's the recipe for ice cubes?

I know I'm dumb, yet I'm smarter than almost everyone I meet.

Joe Rogan

You will always find some Eskimo ready to instruct the Congolese on how to cope with heat waves.

How does fax paper go through the wires and arrive at the other office?

Yes, the Great Fire of London was started in a bakers shop in Pudding Lane, in 1666. I wonder if it's still there.

Dave Lee Travis

The other day I saw a man with with wooden legs but the feet were real.

Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

My inferiority complex isn't as good as yours.

Harry got very excited after finished a jigsaw in only six months. On the box it said, ‘From two to four years’.

Biodiversity – That's a kind of washing powder, right?

Nobody has a stroke of dumb luck without thinking they can have a stroke of dumber luck.

The blonde thought that Doris Day was a national holiday.

I like to think my appeal is becoming more selective.

He couldn't tell you which way the elevator is going if you gave him two guesses.

I’ll ruin you. You’ll never waitress in Torquay again!

Basil Fawlty

- When I was 15 the doctor told me I'd have to start taking insulin or I'd die.
- So, what did you decide to do then?

Early Doors

Plan to be more spontaneous.

For as long as I can remember I've had amnesia.

Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else?

I'm a great lover, I'll bet

If your moving house then first put your goldfish in the freezer to prevent transport spillage.

Climb onto your neighbour's roof and dangle a fish on a bit of string in front of his windows. He'll think his house is underwater.

CYCLISTS: Avoid getting a sore backside by placing a naan bread over your saddle. This will comfort your ride and when you return home, hey presto! A warm snack.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed will remove the stains.

I have a complex about my simplicity.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.

Michael Winner

A good way to save water is to dilute it.

I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them.George Bush

My favourite animal is steak.

Don't talk to me about freedom of speech.
I always plan to be carefree.

Just bought a 'low energy light bulb' at B & Q. The Assistant asked, "Will you be putting this up yourself?" I said, “No, its going in the lounge.”

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

Do the manufacturers of foolproof items keep some fools on their payroll to test out their items?

I is a college student.

Save money on a bigger TV by simply moving the couch closer to your existing one.

The two most common elements in the universe: hydrogen and stupidity.

Paying for psychiatrist proves your crazy.

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

He took an IQ test and the results were negative.

I wouldn't be paranoid if everyone didn't pick on me.

Tell a man that there are 100 billion stars and he'll believe you Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it

What time is the six o'clock news is on?

The top ten reasons why I procrastinate: 1.______

I'm just like the twin brother I never had.

No one has ever complained of our parachutes not opening.

It's not denial, I'm just selective about the reality I accept.

“I thought they didn't let people withdrug convictions into America.”
“It's not so much a conviction as a strongly held belief.”

I bet you I could stop gambling
English Who needs that I'm never going to England

Homer Simpson

They say you use only 10% of your brain. What about the other 10% ?

I have a complex about my simplicity.


Roses Are Red/Violets Are Blue/Objectivism Is A Morally Bankrupt Ideology/Ayn Rand Sucked As A Writer And Person Too

I want to start a women's magazine called "Period". And some months I'll send it out late just to freak out my subscribers.

If you don't stack the plates so the patterns on them align, then how do you make the tormenting, screaming demons in your head go away?

To Do: Paint house door with lamb's blood so the Easter bat won't fly in and eat the Jesus eggs.

He's snoring so loud I can barely hear myself plotting his death.

I'm just a regular guy, putting on my Capri pants 3/4 leg at a time.

"I don't even own a TV" no longer impresses me. Talk to me when you've transcended the toilet.

Despite what everyone says, I don't think your mom is a "dirty pirate whore". She's actually quite clean for a pirate whore.

How much money would it take to buy the song Fireflies and lock it up, never to be heard again? Because that's how much I want.

How is English not considered a Romantic language? "Boobs"? Helloooooo?

Found out today that you're supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jellyroll stain. Sorry, fat stranger.

The first thing I always do when a cop pulls me over is remind him he can't arrest me without a warrant so he knows he's dealing with a pro

There must be a trick to fighting fire with fire because my kitchen just pretty much has twice as much fire now.

When I'm on my death bed, I want my last words to be…  "I left one million dollars in the...."
bet that lactose-intolerant mice get picked on a lot.

Almost went to jail today, was pretty scary!!!!  Those monopoly games can get pretty intense!!

was shopping online and saw a horse that I rather liked. So I clicked "Add to cart."

finds it helpful to organize chores into categories: Things I won't Do Now, Things I Won't Do Later, and Things I'll Never Do

A woman's work is never done.  Which is probably why they don't make as much.

In life, it seems the group of people who are easily offended and the group of people who are easily confused tend to be the same group.

How do you find will smith in the snow?  Look for the fresh prints...

learned that pleasing everyone is too hard, but ticking everyone off is a piece of cake

Moving to Google+ after a Facebook change is like moving to Canada after an election. No-one ever actually goes through with it, and even if they did, they wouldn't have any friends when they got there!!

is sorry we fought. I hate it when you're wrong.

The Russian Military is saving money by using inflatable tanks as decoys. You cant tell them apart from the real thing....apart from the sign saying 'No Shoes'..

believes every single word you say. It's when you put them together to form a sentence that I have a problem with!!!

just painted a blue square in my yard to trick people viewing Google Earth into thinking I have a swimming pool!

will be dressing up as a ball player for the NY Mets this halloween. I figure I won't need a uniform either since at that time of the year, they are all wearing street clothes anyway

is the kind of guy who dreams about naps while I'm asleep
has transferred organic stickers from the apples & put them on the Oreo packages in the grocery store to make them healthier. Enjoy!

It is difficult to be stupid... competition is huge...

thinks animal testing is a terrible idea. they get all nervous and give the wrong answers anyway

As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point up

Always look on the bright side. For example, don't think of yourself as an ugly person, think of yourself as a beautiful monkey

Finds that most Christians treat their bible like computer software. They just scroll down the terms and conditions without reading it and click 'I agree.'

got bit by a retroactive spider instead of a radioactive one! Now I'm making tie dye webs

?Why is it that car commercials know which old songs were good but oldies radio stations don't?

Why do local banks feel compelled to inform of us the temperature? I can't recall every thinking to myself, "Oh, it's 42 degrees, maybe I'll take out a loan."

is not being weird. I'm being me. There's a difference. A small one, but still a difference

Addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

WARNING: if you get a message from me with a link asking you to look at my tinned meat DON'T OPEN IT.. it’s SPAM

can't believe that it's the year 2012 and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up

Starbucks has announced that they will start selling beer and wine in their stores. Apparently, they've run out of sober people to sell their $9.00 cups of coffee to.

Polls show that if the election were held today...an overwhelming majority of Americans would be very surprised

never understood people watching a football game wearing their team jersey. Thats like me watching CSI dressed as a dead murder victim....

The only graceful way to accept an insult is to ignore it, if you can't ignore it, top it. If you can't top it, laugh at it. If you can't laugh at it, it's probably deserved.

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

married my wife for her looks. But not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

New entertainment: I go to a FB friend's wall that I rarely talk to and I keep going back to the oldest post I can find from them and press like. 

This really confuses them. Especially, if it's them just asking someone you don't know how they are

just once I want my wife to greet me at the door like the dog, jumping on me, slobbering all me all and wiggling her butt. But if she's only doing it so she can go out to pee. like the dog, I'd be devastated
never lets her children watch big band performances on TV. Too much sax and violins

Don't make fun of a fat guy with a lisp. He's probably thick and tired of it

With all the new car technology you would think someone could invent a side mirror that could show where an object actually appears.

95% of all Fords sold in the last 20 years are still on the road today. The other 5% actually made it home.

was going to buy a copy of 'The Power of Positive Thinking', and then I thought, what good would that do?

Very few things upset my wife. It makes me feel rather special to be 

one of them

truly hope that we will all be friends until we are all old and senile... 

Then we can be NEW friends again!!

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