fredag, februari 19, 2016

PUNS-FUN-PUNS-FUN-PUNS-FUN-PUNS-FUN




•  How does the Solar System hold up its trousers? With an asteroid belt

• What kinds of music do planets sing? Neptunes

• An astronaut broke the law of gravity and earned a suspended sentence

• That was a poor joke about infinity – it didn't have an ending






 • Let's hope the new Jurassic World isn't a train rex of a film

• What do you call it when a dinosaur is involved in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck

• What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus

• What do you call a blind dinosaur? Adoyouthinkhesaurus





• What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur? Jurassic Pork

• How did brave Egyptians write? In hero-glyphics

• Why couldn't the mummy answer the phone? She was tied up

• Why do mummies not tell secrets? They keep everything under wraps





• What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece? Troy Story

• What kind of lighting did Noah have on the ark? Flood lights

• Where did Noah keep his bees? In the ark hives

• What would they call a drugs festival at Stonehenge? Stonedhenge






• What would they call afternoon tea at Stonehenge? Sconehenge

• Who was Socrates' worst student? Mediocrities

• Who was Socrates' busiest student? The one with a lot on his Plato

• What do you call a fliratatious philosopher: A Socratease






• What relative did Socrates need after his trial? An Aunty dote

• What did Romans use to cut string? A pair of Caesars

• When Brutus asked Caesar how many oranges he had eaten, he replied: "Et two, Brute"

• What did Caesar say to Cleopatra? Toga-ther we can rule the world






• Why did the Romans build straight roads? So their soldiers didn't go around the bend

• Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever? Julius Sneezer

• Who refereed the tennis match between Caesar and Mark Anthony? A Roman Umpire

• Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons? He wanted to mark Antony






• Why was Shakespeare denied a drink at a pub? He was Bard

• Atheism is a non-prophet organisation

• Jesus saves . . . but Keegan scores the rebound (famous football banner from the Seventies)

• Jesus said to Peter, "Come forth and I will give you eternal glory." Peter came fifth and won a toaster





• What's a volcano's favourite historical document? The Magma Carte

• What does a volcano do when it wants food for a party? Orders a cratering company

• What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You

• I used to have a fear of Hadrian's Wall but I got over it





• How did the psychoanalyst injure himself on a skiiing holiday? He had a Freudian slip

• A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but you mean your mother

• Two egotists meet. It's an I for and I

• If you get a fruit basket from your psychiatrist it will probably be shrink-wrapped





• What fast food do psychiatrists like? Kentucky Freud Chicken

• A patient ran into his analyst's office screaming "I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam!" and was told: "Relax, you're two tents"

• Talking of psychology, does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

• What fish did Lenin hate? Czardines





• What John Green novel is about the Russian Revolution? The Fault in Our Czars

• Victoria was caught gambling. She had a royal flush

• Why did Karl Marx like herbal tea? Because all proper tea is theft

• Why did the communist fail at school? He got bad Marx





• A dying artist painted himself into a coroner

• I ear there's a new Van Gogh been discovered

• Van Gogh's favorite swimming technique was the brushstroke

• Why did you the artist become an Impressionist? He did it for the Monet





• What's a banker's favourite Olympic event? The vault

• Old Olympic skiers never die. They just go downhill

• I love the Olympics. I'm carrying quite a torch for them

• It's always a leap year for high jumpers





• World War One battle report: We're Verdun and dusted

• Trench warfare should always be a last ditch effort

• The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran

• Why do bankers never get the blame? They always pass the buck




• I had an account with a bank in the North Pole but they froze all my assets

• I used to be a banker but I lost interest

• If money talks, why do we need bank tellers?

• How did Castro find out about the Bay of Pigs? Someone squealed





• If you swallow uranium you will probably get atomic ache

• When a Cuban atom bomb operator and Russian nuclear technician got married, she was radiant and he was glowing

• How did Nixon get over the bridge? He double-crossed it

• The president can't pass the bill because it's still incongruous





• Why did the Berlin Wall fall? it wanted to go down in history

• Why didn't people like the restaurant on the Moon? Because there was no atmosphere

• What holds the moon up? Moonbeams

• How did Neil Armstrong get a haircut on the moon? Eclipsed it





• The star asked the sun why the moon was always up so late. The sun replied that it was just a phase

• A blood-sucking arachnid from the moon would be a Luna tick

• What did the cat say to Zedong? MAOeow

• Mao left a huge estate when he died. It was the great will of China





• There is some Confucion about the oldest religion in China

• I tried to look up impotence on the Internet but nothing came up

• What do you call a jockey who likes JK Rowling's books? Harry Trotter.

• Voldemort: Why so sirius?





• Why did Harry Potter need ointment? He had a quid-itch

• Did you hear the one about the tall wizard who couldn't cast any spells because he was short staffed?

• The haughty magician had illusions of grandeur

• I went to Hogwarts but I could only manage a short spell there





• What does Psy use to compose in bed? Sheet music

• Some music stores are in a CD part of town

• How did the rapper know Gangnam Style would be popular? He was Psy-chic

• What Jackson 5 song does Obama like singing? Ba-rocking Robin





• Why did scientist clone Dolly? They wanted some sheep thrills

• I'm writing a new novel called The Cloneliness of The Long-distance Punner

• Why was Dolly special? She was ewe-nique