tisdag, oktober 13, 2015

Odd Funny Rude Nasty Evil Stupied Useless Tweets

Roses Are Red/Violets Are Blue/Objectivism Is A Morally Bankrupt Ideology/Ayn Rand Sucked As A Writer And Person Too

I want to start a women's magazine called "Period". And some months I'll send it out late just to freak out my subscribers.

If you don't stack the plates so the patterns on them align, then how do you make the tormenting, screaming demons in your head go away?

To Do: Paint house door with lamb's blood so the Easter bat won't fly in and eat the Jesus eggs.

He's snoring so loud I can barely hear myself plotting his death.

I'm just a regular guy, putting on my Capri pants 3/4 leg at a time.

"I don't even own a TV" no longer impresses me. Talk to me when you've transcended the toilet.

Despite what everyone says, I don't think your mom is a "dirty pirate whore". She's actually quite clean for a pirate whore.

How much money would it take to buy the song Fireflies and lock it up, never to be heard again? Because that's how much I want.

How is English not considered a Romantic language? "Boobs"? Helloooooo?

Found out today that you're supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jellyroll stain. Sorry, fat stranger.

The first thing I always do when a cop pulls me over is remind him he can't arrest me without a warrant so he knows he's dealing with a pro

There must be a trick to fighting fire with fire because my kitchen just pretty much has twice as much fire now.

When I'm on my death bed, I want my last words to be…  "I left one million dollars in the...."
bet that lactose-intolerant mice get picked on a lot.

Almost went to jail today, was pretty scary!!!!  Those monopoly games can get pretty intense!!

was shopping online and saw a horse that I rather liked. So I clicked "Add to cart."

finds it helpful to organize chores into categories: Things I won't Do Now, Things I Won't Do Later, and Things I'll Never Do

A woman's work is never done.  Which is probably why they don't make as much.

In life, it seems the group of people who are easily offended and the group of people who are easily confused tend to be the same group.

How do you find will smith in the snow?  Look for the fresh prints...

learned that pleasing everyone is too hard, but ticking everyone off is a piece of cake

Moving to Google+ after a Facebook change is like moving to Canada after an election. No-one ever actually goes through with it, and even if they did, they wouldn't have any friends when they got there!!

is sorry we fought. I hate it when you're wrong.

The Russian Military is saving money by using inflatable tanks as decoys. You cant tell them apart from the real thing....apart from the sign saying 'No Shoes'..

believes every single word you say. It's when you put them together to form a sentence that I have a problem with!!!

just painted a blue square in my yard to trick people viewing Google Earth into thinking I have a swimming pool!

will be dressing up as a ball player for the NY Mets this halloween. I figure I won't need a uniform either since at that time of the year, they are all wearing street clothes anyway

is the kind of guy who dreams about naps while I'm asleep
has transferred organic stickers from the apples & put them on the Oreo packages in the grocery store to make them healthier. Enjoy!

It is difficult to be stupid... competition is huge...

thinks animal testing is a terrible idea. they get all nervous and give the wrong answers anyway

As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point up

Always look on the bright side. For example, don't think of yourself as an ugly person, think of yourself as a beautiful monkey

Finds that most Christians treat their bible like computer software. They just scroll down the terms and conditions without reading it and click 'I agree.'

got bit by a retroactive spider instead of a radioactive one! Now I'm making tie dye webs

?Why is it that car commercials know which old songs were good but oldies radio stations don't?

Why do local banks feel compelled to inform of us the temperature? I can't recall every thinking to myself, "Oh, it's 42 degrees, maybe I'll take out a loan."

is not being weird. I'm being me. There's a difference. A small one, but still a difference

Addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

WARNING: if you get a message from me with a link asking you to look at my tinned meat DON'T OPEN IT.. it’s SPAM

can't believe that it's the year 2012 and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up

Starbucks has announced that they will start selling beer and wine in their stores. Apparently, they've run out of sober people to sell their $9.00 cups of coffee to.

Polls show that if the election were held today...an overwhelming majority of Americans would be very surprised

never understood people watching a football game wearing their team jersey. Thats like me watching CSI dressed as a dead murder victim....

The only graceful way to accept an insult is to ignore it, if you can't ignore it, top it. If you can't top it, laugh at it. If you can't laugh at it, it's probably deserved.

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

married my wife for her looks. But not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

New entertainment: I go to a FB friend's wall that I rarely talk to and I keep going back to the oldest post I can find from them and press like. 

This really confuses them. Especially, if it's them just asking someone you don't know how they are

just once I want my wife to greet me at the door like the dog, jumping on me, slobbering all me all and wiggling her butt. But if she's only doing it so she can go out to pee. like the dog, I'd be devastated
never lets her children watch big band performances on TV. Too much sax and violins

Don't make fun of a fat guy with a lisp. He's probably thick and tired of it

With all the new car technology you would think someone could invent a side mirror that could show where an object actually appears.

95% of all Fords sold in the last 20 years are still on the road today. The other 5% actually made it home.

was going to buy a copy of 'The Power of Positive Thinking', and then I thought, what good would that do?

Very few things upset my wife. It makes me feel rather special to be 

one of them

truly hope that we will all be friends until we are all old and senile... 

Then we can be NEW friends again!!

it's ok to steal my status updates, but I just wanted to warn you that I lick each one before I post them.
is watching a special on how William wooed Kate with his cooking skills. Good for him. If I was in his position, my wooing program would probabaly only consist of . . . "you know I'm going to be king someday"
My 4 year old is going through a phase where she screams out what she is about to do before she does it. I had to explain to her that only adults on social networking sites were allowed to do that..
These ‘energy saving’ light-bulbs are rip-offs.  They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.
There are two kinds of secrets : one is not worth keeping and the other is too good to keep
some people have a way with words other people have not way
thinks that instead of reposting statuses it would be a better idea if all women with a "wonderful man" would cook him his favourite meal and dress up for his bedroom fantasies instead ;).... just saying, but the reposting thing is cool too.
Due to time constraints, your regularly scheduled status update has been postponed. Please check back later for further updates
May your life one day be as awesome as you pretend it is on facebook!!
Guys, if you really want her to stop complaining about the toilet seat being up, pee with it down a few times.
hopes when you get to heaven, they give you a photo album with all the pictures you’re in the background of
Men would cuddle more often if women smelled like bacon.

Funny ObservationS

Buddy of mine said, “you need to take the bull by the horns”….I told him that he should go first, and after they put the bull down for mauling him, I’d just take him with steak sauce
Would it be wrong to ask a one-eyed person if it really was "all fun and games" up to that point?
found a skull near my home today. I went to call the police, but curiosity got the better of me and I picked the skull up and wondered "Who was this person?","Where did he come from?" "How did he die?",and "Why did he have deer antlers?"
sent out a text saying "I've lost my phone, can you please call it? I got 12 calls. I need smarter friends!!
Just took a shower.  You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
If I’m reading this correctly the Second Amendment allows me to shoot a bear, tear off his arms and keep them.
why do people keep asking dogs "whos a good boy?"  My dog told me he thinks the question is patronizing.
My wife woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on her face!  I love Sharpie markers.
The psychiatrist gave me the good news:   I am going to have a disorder named after me..
My wife isn't speaking to me.  All because I didn't open the car door for her.  I guess I just panicked and swam to the surface.
Did you know that most accidents occur within one mile of your home?  Which is why I'm never going anywhere near your home.
Got pulled over by the cops today and he ask me if I had a police record ..... I said yes ....'every breath you take' and 'don't stand so close to me'........  Now what is my lawyer phone number

Funny ObservationS

Dear Nintendo Wii, if I wanted to use my whole body to play sports, I would just play sports.
Everyone always talks about the early bird. How about the early worm? How'd that work out for him?
When life knocks me down, instead of getting back up I usually lie there and take a nap.
Fashion tip of the day: If your thighs stop moving 30 seconds after you do, say NO to spandex.
I'm curious how many of you are Austrian. Can I have a show of Hans?
I've just bought a Dalmatian puppy.  I've found out if you join all the dots together with a marker pen... it doesn't wash off.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn't a balloon.
Updating my status in the car. Don’t worry, I’m in the passenger seat.  Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.
I don't know how anybody gets attacked by sharks... As soon as I heard that first, "Dun, Dun", I'd be out of there.
This darn Mcdonald's never has a fully stocked condiment counter.  This is the last straw!
If my calculations are correct... Switching to Geico from Allstate, then transferring your policy to State Farm, only to drop them and switch to Progressive.... Auto insurance will be free!
There's no such thing as a dumb question, but there is such a thing as an inquisitive idiot.
The definition of irony: Not knowing the difference between a definition and an example.
I wonder if I’ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying “there’s one.”
If you are ever attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler!!
I just watched the dog chase his tail for ten minutes and I though to myself  "Wow, dogs are easily entertained"
When I was at school, I belonged to a gang called The Secret Seven and we were sworn to secrecy. We were so good that I never found out who the other six were.

Funny ObservationS
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Everything I need to know in life I learned in kindergarten... if you poop your pants they let you go home.
I filed a lawsuit against Nabisco for blatant racism. I opened up a box of premium saltines and every one of them was a cracker.
They got smart phones, smart cars and all the smart stuff!! when they gonna start making smart people??
One day, long, long ago there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or complain. But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.
I have an image of Jesus that pops up on my monitor if I leave it idle for 10 minutes... it's my screen savior.
I think self checkout was invented by a guy who had to buy tampons
If tomatoes are a fruit, then isn't ketchup technically a smoothie?
I think it would be cool to actually see a tornado before I die, just not RIGHT before.
Reading an article that said, "spice up your love life”.  One of the suggestions was to make love in a car wash.  It’s also the perfect way to ruin a church fund raiser.
I had to use a payphone the other day and when I put the receiver to my ear, it was like there was jelly on it.  Well that’s what it tasted like.


?"Patience" is what parents have when there are witnesses.
A lot of people assume when i laugh while texting someone, it's because what they said is funny. But in most cases, i am laughing at what I said because i'm just that hilarious.
A teacher at a school for overweight kids was fired for snorting cocaine. His massive pupils gave him away.
According to some magazine, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low... Well, sure, it's hard to steal a car when the owner's living in it...
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast.
At what age is it appropriate to tell my friends that they're imaginary?
Banana peel, coffee grains, pizza crust, soda bottles, empty tins, paper plates. Yea, that's right! I'm talking trash!!!!!!!!!!
Big Halloween party coming up. It's supposed to be 'Titanic' themed. So I figured i'd dress up as an iceberg and crash the party!!
Candyland tastes like cardboard
cigarettes are like hampsters. They look harmless until you put them in your mouth and start them on fire!!

Funny ObservationS
Life would probably be easier if I were atleast good at things
Why do they call it a happy meal if it tastes like a whole lot like depression.
Thanks for the birthday wishes everyone! I used one to breakup Nickelback! You're welcome!
All you need is love and Valentine's Day is the perfect time to buy lots of things to prove it.
I'm being forced to attend a scrap-book party. On the positive side I have always wanted my suicide to be well documented on acid-free paper.
It's really very simple; I will love you unconditionally as long as you just do everything I say.
So, who is the genius that thought it would be wise to put the back-pain meds on the bottom shelf at Walmart?
"Let there be coffee!"... and there was coffee.... And coworkers saw that coffee was good... and drank it all, the bastards!
I'm shocked by the embarrassing things people e-mail their whole department when they leave their workstation unlocked.
When playing "Got your nose," make sure the victim is 1) willing to play, 2) that you're not at a urinal and 3) that it's their nose.

Funny ObservationS

3.14% of sailors are Pi rates.
It bothers me when I see tax money wasted on signs telling deer where to cross the road.
You are so predictable, I bet you are reading my tweet right now!!
Always believe a woman when she says, "You don't want to know."
how much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could Chuck Norris?
A lot of good conversations are ruined by some idiot that actually knows what he's talking about!
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he'll never have any friends
I can't even imagine what people did at red lights before cellphones.
Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?
old age is not so bad when you consider the alternative
If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture.
actions do not speak louder than words when you're beating a mime.

Funny ObservationS
Now that I know there's water on the moon, your natural spring water from the Swiss Alps bores me.
Nigeria wants an apology for District 9? Okay, Nigeria, we have a huge apology for you. For transfer, simply wire a small advance fee.
14.9 million Americans are now unemployed. That's a lot of new blogs.
Japan's new first lady says aliens once took her to Venus. I'm just amazed aliens also call it Venus. Boy, we nailed that one.
I hopped out of bed this morning like Fred Astaire. Or anyone else, really, who has been dead for 20 years.
Half of the appeal of staying up late is the total absence of morning people.
A conference call is like a bus ride. I want it to end as quickly as possible, preferably with nobody talking to me.
With professor Gates off to have a beer with Obama, now would be the perfect time to break into his house.
I had this really kinky girlfriend once; finally I just had to tell him it was time we started peeing on other people.
First Rule of Turkey Club: Bacon, lettuce and tomato

More Funny Stupid Tweets
of any of my status updates have made even one person's day better, then there's something seriously wrong with that person.
Most people don't stop and consider my feelings when I'm insulting them
The one thing I've never understood about calculus is how to do it
Sometimes I find it helpful to ask myself: "What would a competent person do in my situation?"
A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking. A wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed
thanks to my workout ethic this year, I got a trophy. No, wait... I mean "atrophy."
Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
I just read something so funny it made me spit coffee out my nose, which is odd because I wasn't drinking coffee at the time
I don't need a reason to do stupid things, just a venue.
3 things I hate: stupid people and math

More Funny Stupid Tweets

when two's company, three's the result..
I was concerned that my goldfish was epileptic, so I took it to the Vet. "Looks fine to me" they said. I said "But you haven't taken it out of the water yet!"
Scientists confirm diarrhea is hereditary, it runs in your jeans.
My laziness is becoming such a issue that I can't even be bothered hanging my clothes on my treadmill anymore
Spent the whole day yesterday checking items off my task list.
In retrospect, I probably should have used that time to complete tasks
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred..
If you can listen to Phil Collins "In the air tonight" and not play the air drums, then you, my friend, have no soul!
The people who invented the Internet never would have gotten around to doing it if they'd had the Internet
what number confuses stupid people the most? 82
Father's Day is just like Mother's Day, only cheaper!!

Odd Funny Tweets
Had to child-proof the liquor cabinet this weekend because my god is our baby a mean drunk.
Big weekend coming up!  My Star Trek club is going to dress as Klingons and ambush some loser Civil War re-enactors.
Dear Brain Storming Session facilitator, there IS "such a thing" as a bad idea and inviting me was the first one.
Why is there braille on drive-through ATMs.
BP has contained the oil spill.... to just a single planet.
You have no idea how hard it is to find three legged skinny jeans.
Sure, dinner was delicious, but now I can't get the image of what a skinless, boneless chicken would look like.
I've been doing a lot of plumbing around the house the last few days. Not that anything needed fixing.
I just like exposing my ass crack.
Dogs in cartoons do a lot more hindleg walking than dogs in real life.
Sitting on my balcony and shouting out phrases like "I smell cat!" and "I have a carrot in my butt!". I like to keep the neighbors confused.

Apparently cluelessness is a sign of stupidity. I had no idea
gets disappointed every time I'm in the bank and it doesn't get robbed because I'd love to talk about that in my Facebook Status update
Bigfoot must have the hardest time picking out his Facebook profile picture. all of his pictures are always blurry!
Every time a bird poops on my car... I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my patio just to show them what I'm capable of
Just once, somebody needs to roundhouse kick the person who does the 1$ bigger bid on The Price Is Right!
To the guy who named cotton candy: Yes! It looks just like it sounds. To the guy who named Milk Duds: What the heck is wrong with you?
according to maxipad commercials, all women are full of winshield washer fluid
So what if I can't spell armaggedon?..... It's not the end of the world. .....
filled up an empty jar of mayo with vanilla pudding and eating it in public
is going to teach her parrot to say, "HELP!!! I've been turned into a parrot!"

Funny Weird Tweets

Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles
Facebook: It's where you go to share your incredibly random thoughts in order to find out who is as twisted as you are
100% of bear attacks could have been prevented by not having yourself around where bears are at
It's weird how no one on The Jetsons ever addresses the apocalyptic events that left only white Americans behind, living in the sky
Can anyone tell me how to remove duct tape from the eyes without pulling off the eyebrows? Asking for a friend.
OK, think of a number. Add 7 to it. Divide it by 2. Point at it. Show it a picture of your father. Go to sleep. Omelette.
Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played girl bunny?..............Neither did I. I was just asking
?~Hint to the obvious~ If a fan page or group requires you to invite all your friends on your friend list, it will not do what it promises, unless it promises to tick off your friends
A lady's picking through the frozen turkeys and says to a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" and he says, "No, ma'am, they're dead."
Marriage is the opportunity to inherit an additional dysfunctional family, just in case the one you have wasn't enough

Funny Weird Tweets
Don't disturb me....  I am already disturbed enough!
I know my limits. I don’t pay any attention to them, but I know them
Facebook: a place where people announce their problems to the world but not to the person they have a problem with.
Why can't women park cars? Because for generations, men have been telling them that 3 inches is actually six.
At lunch time, I like to park my car on the side of the road with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars
?70% of my life is composed of Work and 40% learning proper mathematics
When I hear somebody sigh, "Life is hard," I am always tempted to ask, "Compared to what?"
How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb? No one knows. They never keep the house
wanted to buy some goose feathers but couldn't afford the down payment.
Fake people are just as bad as fake breasts.....Only reason they exist is to make one feel better about themselves

Assorted Funny Tweets

I'd like to know the series of events leading up to the first guy discovering cows had milk in them
My old English teacher has 26 followers on Twitter. Karma's a bitch, sucka.
If using multiple adjectives, put them in increasing order of awesomeness: "the blue, Italian, rocket-propelled, monkey-piloted dirtbike."
I can't yell "Get a room!" at couples frenching. Instead, I opt for, "Close your curtains!" or, "Make this trellis harder to climb!"
My favorite words to use during conference calls: saturated, penetrating, hot button, probing and fellatio.
I'm sending a tweet from inside Twitter HQ. I'll bet those hot girls in high school wish they had slept with me now.
My wife leaves for girls' night. I go upstairs and put the toilet seat up. Just to remember I can. Then I put it down. I'm not an idiot.
If you think writing in the proper tense is difficult now, just wait until time travel was possible.
When a friend from out of town says, "I'm coming out." Make sure they're finished with their sentence before you say, "I knew you were gay."
A crazy woman tried to chase down my car as I left the mall. Maybe it was the previous owner. She looked a lot like the baby in the backseat
I told you officer, I cut the ass out of the gorilla suit because they don't sell baboon costumes....I don't know who crapped on your car.
No. I do. I think your baby is adorable. I'm just concerned about what might happen if you get it wet or let it eat after midnight.
Relax. If you didn't want me knocking it over, why the hell did you write "tip jar" on it? Just for that, I'm taking my 15 cents back.
Sometimes for laughs, I slip condoms into the carts of little old ladies at the grocery store and then watch for the checker's reaction.
When you dial somebody on a Google phone, is there an "I'm Feeling Lucky" button? That would be great for single people.
There are very, very few things it's OK to say to someone at the next urinal. "You must take vitamins" is not one of them.
Check it out! I'm texting while bicycli%#*

Had to child-proof the liquor cabinet this weekend because my god is our baby a mean drunk.
Big weekend coming up!  My Star Trek club is going to dress as Klingons and ambush some loser Civil War re-enactors.
Dear Brain Storming Session facilitator, there IS "such a thing" as a bad idea and inviting me was the first one.
Why is there braille on drive-through ATMs.
BP has contained the oil spill.... to just a single planet.
You have no idea how hard it is to find three legged skinny jeans.
Sure, dinner was delicious, but now I can't get the image of what a skinless, boneless chicken would look like.
I've been doing a lot of plumbing around the house the last few days. Not that anything needed fixing.
I just like exposing my ass crack.
Dogs in cartoons do a lot more hindleg walking than dogs in real life.
Sitting on my balcony and shouting out phrases like "I smell cat!" and "I have a carrot in my butt!". I like to keep the neighbors confused.

Bizarre Funny Tweets
Justin Bieber...
Look at your tweet, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn't mine. But if you stopped tweeting about other things, yours could be like mine.
says when life brings ya down, get up, punch it in the face, and yell “I’m Chuck Norris!!”
I think the best thing about always wearing a clean pair of underwear is you're never really out of coffee filters.
You wouldn't think any of my tweets were funny if you knew how many pedestrians I injured while writing them.
remember everyone has a hot cousin...  Find yours now at ancestry.com
If I were God for a day, I'd make Abe Vigoda adopt Dakota Fanning and then laugh at the resulting name. And then go to a strip club.
Clowns aren't scary. One has been staring at me from the cemetery next door, but I can't stop giggling at the balloon chainsaw he's making.
Say what you will about Starbucks, but I like having a place to go where I can be certain I'm not the most pretentious person in the room.
I bet childhood obesity rates in Hidden Valley are completely off the charts.
In our house it really should be called a cooking detector.
Dress to make a statement! For example, a sports jacket & t-shirt says "I'm a hobo who found this jacket in a dumpster."

Random Funny Tweets
I'm not falling again for the 5-year-old's "eat some spaghetti" trick. It's always Play-Doh. But this fried egg looks delicious. Oh, damn.
I have serious ethical problems participating in human cloning experiments.. I just couldn't live with myself.
Oh, this is my step ladder. My...my real ladder left when I was only 5.
I'm watching "The Sound of Music" on TV. For those of you who have never seen it, it's a musical adaptation of how boring my life is.
It's all fun and games until you notice the *rocket* in your nephew's Lego launchpad came from the drawer in your nightstand.
I may be a little off base here, but I don't think the point of those personal breathalyzers is trying to beat your old score.
I put the "ass" in passive aggressive. But you'd know that if you ever bothered to pay attention.
I put the "sex" in dylsexic.
Someday I'll sit down with my grandchildren to watch Airplane and they'll say, "Man, I can't believe they used to let people on planes."
For years she's fed the kids tales about Santa but after I trick them into eating dog treats, I'm the bad parent for betraying their trust.
Playing naked Twister by yourself is no fun...nor was it worth getting oiled up for.
Today I learned two valuable lessons: 1) Petting an animal can lower your heart rate. 2) That animal should not be a wolverine.
"Son, getting $100 for Christmas doesn't make you "rich", but if snorting powdered sugar off Barbie's ass makes you feel rich, as you were."
Dude. Go shave your mustache. Just because it looks good on your mother doesn't mean you can wear it well.
And suddenly it's weird to sit on a stranger's lap and ask for free stuff?
I hope that one day I will be mature enough to spell extravaganza without giggling after the first 8 letters.

It takes a big man to admit that his little sister outdrank him last night, so what I'm saying is, I'm really manly.

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