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Cynical Quotes
A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
Oscar Wilde
The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
The difference between friendship and love is how much you can hurt each other.
Worst day of your day? No, it's the worst day of your life so far.
My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'
Henny Youngman
The penalty for success is to be bored by the people who used to snub you.
Nancy Astor
You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back.
David Brent, The Office
I love mankind, it's people I can't stand.
Charles Schulz
You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands. For instance, if they are around your throat then she's probably slightly upset.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
Groucho Marx
A committee of three gets things done, if two don't show up.
My take home pay won't get me there.
Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.
I bought a Paper Aeroplane from IKEA. When I opened the box at home inside was just a sheet of A4 paper.
Employees who think they know everything are very irritating to those of us who do.
My church accepts all denominations – fivers, tenners, twenties.
Dave Allen
Slackers, unite! Tomorrow!
A lifelong friend is one you haven't borrowed money from yet.
Steal from one person is theft; steal from many is taxation.
Join the army and see the next world.
Dylan Thomas
I called my lawyer and said, ‘Can I ask you two questions?’ He said, ‘What’s the second question?’
Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.
Finagle's Rule
My daughter wanted some trainers. I said, you’re eleven. Go to Taiwan and make some.
Jeremy Hardy
Instead of asking, "Why did this happen to me?" take responsibility. Ask, "Who can I blame for this?"
The future, according to some scientists, will be exactly like the past, only far more expensive.
A man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets she took him.
Divorce is a system whereby two people make a mistake and one goes on paying for it.
He had so many wives he can't remember their names. To keep it simple he just calls them 'plaintiff'.
I gave my wife plastic surgery – I cut up her credit cards.
I took the wife’s family out for tea biscuits. They weren’t too happy about having to give blood though.
Les Dawson
I think ... therefore I am overqualified.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
No matter what your Chinese symbol tattoo says, I assume the translation is: "Please think I'm cool."
If you don't like the way I drive then get off the pavement.
When a man tells you that he got rich by hard work, ask him whose.
When embarking on a polar expedition, choose your companions carefully – you may have to eat them.
Are subliminal { send me money } messages effective?
Sick of having your house burgled by Scousers?
Save money on home security by simply writing the words "Job Centre" on your door.
It's never too late to give up.
If her lips are on fire and she trembles in your arms, forget her. She's got malaria.
Jackie Kannon
It's true, the stars do affect human lives - by providing employment for thousands of astrologers.
If at first you don’t succeed, you’ll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn’t succeed either.
I never hated any man enough to give him is diamonds back.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you can be sure the water bill is higher.
If you're not part of the solution, you must be a consultant.
Thanks to being put on hold for 15 minutes with Customer Support, I now hate mellow music.
The other day I got pulled over for speeding. Apparently, "Because you were chasing me!" isn't a valid reason.
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a small donation for our the local pool. I gave him a glass of water.
I try to live by the adage: You scratch my back; I’ll let you know when to stop.
Self-help books really can change your life! The ones I wrote paid for a villa in the Bahamas and a yacht.
The English lord marries for love, and is rather inclined to love where money is.
Nancy Mitford
I think every woman is entitled to a middle husband she can forget.
Adela Rogers St. Johns
Marge, you can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, then move on.
Homer Simpson
Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it.
Harry S. Truman
The only statistics you can trust are those you falsified yourself.
Winston Churchill
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